Brian's Answers to Difficult Questions

Q: Why does my life feel so empty?

A: You're probably not getting enough vitamin C. Most will suggest oranges, but I am an ardent advocate of the mango. High in antioxidants, vitamins A, C, and E, mangoes are definitely the superfruit you need to get from sad to glad. Also, did you know mangoes are the most consumed fruit in the world? Don't believe those banana propagandists (bananagandists).

Q: I don't think my significant other loves me anymore, how can I tell for sure?

Place a raisin in your belly button (only if you are an inney... if you're an outey, it's already obvious why your significant other doesn't love you anymore). If your significant other fails to find this raisin in a 48 hour period, he or she does not love you. If your significant other finds it then eats it, you have a winner my friend.

Q: I don't believe this is the life I'm supposed to be living. Am I crazy?

No, you are a superhero. You must now put yourself in life-threatening situations in order to find exactly your powers are. I suggest jumping off something high first.

Q: I am bored and unfulfilled at my job, what can I do?

If you have drawers or file cabinets at your work desk, try to raise small animals while at work. Start with turtles or hamsters and eventually work your way up to small marsupials or monkeys. Perhaps having the responsibility of caring for other lives while at work will give you the professional fulfillment you were always craving.

Q: I'm thinking about buying a Mac, should I feel shame?

A: You must be in a very scared and vulnerable point in your life. Don't panic or feel shameful. In fact many people choose to use Macs and continue to live mostly normal and drug-free lives. Just remember that this is a decision that has a real impact on the people that care about you.