Foo Family Q1 Performance & Member Evaluations

Hi kids, glad you could all make it today. I would like to just get right to the point, since you all have to go off to school very soon (except one of you-- I'll get to that point later). I would just like to start off by saying, we had an good first quarter given the current environment. And by 'good', I mean not great. We set particular goals in December, which we came close to, but did not hit-- we did not reach gold. That said, we had some excellent performers, and some not so much. You may have heard rumors that there may be some stategic down-sizing to our family. And I am sad to say that these rumors are true.

I just want to remind all of you that your Mom and I love you all very much, and the decision to let go of any of our family members is part of a very long, difficult process. And as a part of our initiative to remain as transparent as possible, we would like to share with you our evaluation process. Essentially, we ranked our family members with the following matrix:

performance
^
|-----------|
|        |        |
|   2   |   1   |
|        |        |
|-----------|
|        |        |
|   4   |   3   |
|        |        |
------------> attitude (the "Foo way")

As you can see, you can be one of four possible family member types. Family member #1 is the best kind of member- you get results in academics, athletics, extracurriculars, and household responsibilities and you do it with the right attitude (a.k.a. the "Foo-way"). Family member #2 gets results, but does not do it the right way- sure, you may get good grades or do well in sports, but is not up to your real potential. It is our job to identify such individuals as soon as possible and talk with those individuals. Generally, we give only one warning for this type of member, then we let them go. Family member #3 does not get results, but is trying to the best of his/her ability and shows potential for being a type 1 member. It is our job to help these individuals get to #1 and not fall into #4. Family member #4 does not belong in our family (no results, wrong attitude), and is let go immediately (generally this happens organically). Here are this quarter's rankings:

1st Daughter: #3
1st Son: #2
2nd Daughter: #1
2nd Son: #3
Dog: #1

In our Q4 meeting last year, I said if we do not reach our set goals for Q1 2009, we will not be giving out allowance bonuses. However, your Mom and I agreed that we are willing to make exceptions to our #1 members for this quarter. All #1 members this quarter will receive an extra $100 in allowance, prime time remote control priveleges for certain days of the week, front-seat priveleges, and participation in the summer vacation planning committee. For our #3 members, keep up the hard work- you are on your way to being #1's. For those who are neither #1 or #3's, we appreciate your time and effort in the past, but tough times call for tough measures. Please begin to pack your belongings, your Mom and I will get in contact with you shortly.

Thank you for your time,
Brian, Co-Director of the Foo Family

Cubicle Blues Haikus

Compiling my code,
Oops null pointer exception,
Keyboard out window

Alone on Facebook,
Happy faces on news feed,
Life truly pointless

I, like a pixel,
Uniform, anonymous,
Faceless, and numbered

Co-workers inquire,
How do I fix z-index?
I say, F my life

Please fix Pandora,
She thinks I like the Offspring,
Though, I'm pretty fly...

Why frozen dinners?
Cause I'm hungry and lazy.
Don't judge me smart-ass

Bathroom etiquette,
Don't talk to me while I pee.
Hands off my bowels

Working late at night,
Ethnic engineers, confused,
Am I in Asia?

Twitterin in the Zhou Dynasty

Username: Confucalicious
Name: Confucius
One Line Bio: Very Quotatious. I perform random acts of Confuciousness.

"to study and not think is a waste. to think and not study is dangerous." Good enough for the #Analects?
2 minutes ago 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from web

just ran into @laozi... tryin 2 get him 2 join twitter... keeps blabbering on about "effortless action" or smtg
2 hours ago 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from TwitterBerry

*sigh* tryin to explain rectification of names to @qiquan... obviously not gettin it
23rd day of the 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from TwitterBerry

on a date w/ @qiquan at the Qufu Cheesecake Factory... hope they still have that sacrificial meat I like
23rd day of the 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from TwitterBerry

@zhuangzi your tao blog post just blew my mind!
21st day of the 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from web

"What you know, you know, what you don't know, you don't know." These quotes just keep comin
19th day of the 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from web

Random idea: put my thoughts on little pieces of paper in a cookie... satisfy appetite AND intellect at the same time!
19th day of the 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from web

Poll: should I grow out my beard? Might make me look more bad-ass
18th day of the 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from web

Is anyone else's robe chafing?
16th day of the 32nd Moon of the Spring and Autumn Period from TwitterBerry

Blog Shuffle

Over some time, there's a bunch of things that I wanted to blog about, but ultimately felt that they were best eaten in slices than in entire pies. Therefore, I will present them to you in a sampler of mini-posts, since they just couldn't make it on their own as full posts, and were a tad too long for Twitter.

Collectors and Destroyers

I always wondered what made me a manic collector of action figurines, toy cars, trading cards, goosebump books, and (unfortunately) pogs, and people like my brother, a destroyer of said collections. I also see my nature to collect things reflected in my approach to other things in life. I only like to do projects in which I can actually measure the accumulated progress of said projects. I think this is related to my all-or-nothing tendancy, as a collector's need to have ALL of a collection, otherwise it's not worth it. The negative part of being a collector is that you are often risk averse and slow to adopt, and many times miss opportunities for good change.

The Incredible Shrinking Man

I know being short has definitely shaped who I am, but to what extent? There's the obvious Napoleon complex that drives me to destroy all things tall. As far as sports, I've been driven towards more individually-focused sports (as opposed to team sports) such as martial arts, wrestling, pole-vaulting, and rock-climbing. My center of gravity is very low, so I have good balance which probably helped drive me towards b-boying. I'm always in the front of pictures, always struggle in large crowds, and don't know what the tops of people's heads look like. What would my life be like if I were just 3 inches taller? Would I just be a taller version of me? Probably not by far...

Shitty Behavior

I hate taking a crap next to someone. It's disgusting and uncomfortable. Usually I just wait it out, but there's this one other person at work who hates crapping next to people more than me. I know him by his shoes. And unfortunately we're always on the same crap schedule. Even if I come in after him, he will not go until I go. Sometimes we'll sit there for minutes on end, in silence, calling each other's bluff. He always wins. Damn, I just need to change my crap schedule.

Learning from Mistakes Without Making Them

I feel this is always a double-sided sword. The idea is that if you sit back and observe in life, you will learn from the mistakes of other people- much easier than actually making the mistakes yourself. It makes sense and has worked for me to an extent. The other side of the coin is that you're sitting back and observing. Sometimes we're defined by our scars, and sometimes making mistakes is just a part of the bittersweet experience of life, and sometimes the only way to really learn.

My Band Name

Alice in Chains, Led Zeppelin, Vampire Weekend, Modest Mouse, Velvet Underground. I wish I had a band just to make a name for it. Not necessarily because it would be creatively challenging... on the contrary- because it will be so damn easy! Let's take a look...

Method #1: [Food you are eating] of [last foreign city you visited]
Result: Salmon Sashimi of Paris

Method #2: My [Adjective to describe your mother] [Sexiest feature of your body]
Result: My Gregarious Calf

Method #3: [Name of the main character in the last movie you watched]'s [Thing you hated most about high school]
Result: Jamal's Dirty Jocks

Method #4: The [Year you would go to if you could time travel] [Funniest animal you can think of (plural)] Band
Result: The 1158 Platypi Band

Method #5: [Name of the closest person to you] and the [Favorite Element] [Weapon of Choice]
Result: Raymond and the Water Staff

Method #6: [Adjective to describe the worst porn you've seen] [Your major in college]
Result: Scatterific Computer Science

Method #7: [Strong emotion you last felt] against the [Charity you would donate to if you had $]
Result: Angst against the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

Method #8: [Your favorite Disney character] killed [Movie villain you are most afraid of]!
Result: Dumbo killed Hannibal Lecter!

Casualties of Analysis

The question here is should I throw darts or spagetti at life? Over-analysis of the infinite choices in life, though thoughtful and logical it can be, likely leads to delayed experience or inaction. But the wrong decision can lead me to a loop or dead-end. If my life is a $20 bill, what should I get on the menu? I could take the time to think it through, analyzing each item, each description, weighing value, nutrition, taste, and size. But in the end, shouldn't I just be going with my gut?

Fear of failure is a nonsensical fear to have, but ironically one that can be hidden under what can be perceived as wisdom or prudence. Think of the best moments in your life. How many of these moments were the product of careful thought and planning? How many were just a product of the randomness of the universe? Repeat these questions with the most important people you've met in your life. And the last question: what failures in your life have created permanent damage to you?

Our existence really only exists in the memory of others. Connections and thoughtful interactions between people are really the only thing that matters in the grand scheme of things. Why should I hold myself back from creating and maintaining connections and interactions between close friends, aquaintences, or strangers based on some fear that I will be wasting my time with one party verse another one that may be better, but may not even exist.

Potential aquaintences, potential friends, potential close friends, potential lovers, potential enemies. They are all casualties of my analyses. Damn.

Best Guess: Popular books I've heard about, but never read

Here's my best guesses:

Secret Life of Bees

Genre: Suspense/Thriller. Ben, a beekeeper from Vermont, stumbles upon an awful, awful secret when collecting honey from his bees one day. A baffling series of hexagonal symbols are found near the murdered body of Ben's life-partner, Jerry. Ben continues to follow these strange symbols through a bizarre set of riddles and brain-teasers to discover a trail of clues leading him to the works by Georgia O’Keeffe (American painter of vagina-like flowers). Ben finds these clues to be intimately connected to the mysterious figure Melchizedek, who is mentioned in the Bible in connection with giving communion to the patriarch Abraham. Melchizedek brought three gifts to earth from the planet Venus... one of which were... you guessed it, bees. The mystery unfolds.

The Alchemist

Genre: Sci-fi Romance. An android and an alchemist... the unlikeliest love story in this steam-punk futuristic world of wizard cyborgs and clerics with guns. Will this dark and menacing environment keep the love between the android and the alchemist from blooming? Will the Council ever allow androids to be accepted as humans, and more importantly allow the marriage of two lovers?

Rich Dad, Poor Dad

Genre: Gay & Lesbian. A story of a young boy growing up with two fathers, one of whom is an oil tycoon and the other a lowly pottery maker. The poor dad cannot help but feel inadequate when compared to his rich partner, and most shameful in front of his son. But little does the poor dad know that he is actually the great grand nephew of Andrew Carnegie, American steel tycoon. Despite his new found wealth, the former poor dad realizes he was already wealthy with his love for his son.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Genre: Children's Book. The very colorful pop-up book teaches young tots some of the 7 habits of highly effective people, including eating, walking, pooping, and peeing.